February 2012
10 posts
Nice old lady from across the street.
Dad: Good morning, Helen!
Helen: Good morning! How are you?
Dad: Good! My son and I just went for a swim.
Helen: You did? Congratulations!
Sister: Look up what "narcolepsy" is.
Me: Why?
Sister: Look it up.
Me: I know what narcolepsy is.
Sister: But you didn't laugh appropriately! It was a good joke!
Me: Yeah, but we'd have to get at least two dogs.
Sarith: WHAT? You don't want to walk a dog, but you would-
Me: No, but in Switzerland, it's illegal to have just one pet, because it's considered animal cruelty if they get lonely.
Sarith: Get two goldfish! Feed them once a day, and hug the bowl when you get home.
“I had the best Valentine’s, getting money from Centrelink.”
– Jennifer.
Me: You know what? I'm just going to smear peanut butter on bread and eat it.
Sister: You are a disgusting person.
Me: What? What do you do with peanut butter?
Sister: I throw it away!
“That’s the third time someone told me to leave this house today.”
– Erin, when Claudia told her to leave my house.
Susannah: Can you pay full attention to Monopoly, and then take, like, ten minute breaks for Skyrim?
Me: I feel like I can accomplish both at the same time.
Sister: I feel like you've never accomplished anything in your life.
“Oh no, Pedro is trying to be funny again.”
– Tori.
Quote #600.
Me: What did you say?
Erin: Nothing.
Sister: We were talking about how much we don't like you. But, shh, don't tell anyone.
Searching through my wardrobe.
Me, opening a drawer: Hey, do you want some popcorn?
Sister: Because I'm going to a par- WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!
January 2012
32 posts
“You know who should say “cool beans”? People who evaluate the...”
– My sister, when I said “cool beans”.
On the train.
Girl 1: So, have you been...
Girl 2: Yeah, I have. Lots.
Girl 1: Cool, I've been studying too.
Girl 2: Oh, I thought you meant watching NCIS.
Me: I was at the library once, renting a book- is that the word? Renting?
Ashleigh: I don't believe this story already.
Ashleigh: I like your bucket hat.
Nick: Me too. It keeps me protected.
Ashleigh: Not from ridicule.
“I’d call him racist, but I’m pretty sure he was Asian.”
– Tori.
*I sing "Happy Together" by The Turtles*
Me: Do you know who sings that?
Sister: Shrek, was it?
Me: Tivu. That's how you say TV in Italian.
Sister: How do you say "You're an idiot" in Italian?
Me: Sei un'idiota.
Sister: ...kay. Good.
Me: SVU?
Sister: Is it a new episode?
Me: No. I'm recording an old episode of SVU for us to watch.
Sister: I don't know! Maybe you want to start doing that!
Me: Well, I don't.
Sister: Are we watching it downstairs?
Me: No. I'm going to find a ladder so we can watch it in the attic.
Sister: I don't like this. I don't like what you're doing right now. I don't approve.
Claudia: Is that drink cold?
Me: I just took it out of the fridge.
Claudia: Yeah, but is it cold?
Me: My finger's in it. It's cold.
*She laughs*
Claudia: Some things you should never take out of context.
“I hate it because I have a frontal lobe.”
– Claudia, on The Big Bang Theory.
“Banana…I mean, bartending courses.”
– Claudia.
Watching TV.
Susannah: Why is there a knight, in a car, going up a hill?
Sister: I feel like we missed something.
“Do you want to wash your hands afterwards? We have a new soap dispenser.”
– My sister, when Claudia was using my laptop.
“Well, I think you’re just going to have to put your foot down.”
– Tori’s mum, to her amputee friend.
Sister: You never listen to anything I say!
Me: ...what was that?
Sister: Funny!
Salmon Fishing in the Yemen.
Me: What is it with movies these days having sentences for titles?
Sister: What is it with Ewan McGregor having fish in all his movies?
Me: My new year's resolution is to have at least one quote a day.
Cheng: Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
“I’m not going to steal, because I learned the hard way what happens when...”
– My sister, playing Skyrim for the first time.
Lady at customs: Hi, what's up?
Me: Um, we took someone's suitcase by accident, and I think she has ours.
Lady, giggling: What was your flight?
Dad: We were with Qantas.
Lady: Qantas! That's my favourite company today!
Waitress: Enjoy your breakfast!
Dad: Thanks. You too.
Sister: You're the worst.
Me: Says the person who just punched me.
Sister: For being the worst!
Dad, motioning at a woman ahead of us: That's not her real hair, is it?
Me: Yeah, she's got dreadlocks.
Dad: ...it looks like a blanket.
“This line is too long! I swear to god, I’m going to start punching people.”
– A noticeably Australian girl in line at the Harry Potter World gift shop.
Harry Potter World.
Me: Sorry, where can I get a Hufflepuff uniform from?
Attendant: Well, the robes you can find in Dervish & Banges, but you have to get the sweater from something called a...website? I don't understand how muggle devices work.
Dumbledore's Office at Harry Potter World.
Guy: Hey, there's the pensieve!
Girl: No, sweetie, that's the trashcan.
“Don’t be so nice. Please give me a reason not to tip you.”
– My mum, under her breath, as our waitress was walking away from us.
“Flamingos. I just don’t get it.”
– A woman watching the flamingos at Sea World, while they were sleeping.
Reading the TV Guide.
Sister: "Growing Up Walrus"? What does that mean?
Me: It's a reality show about the difficulties of being raised by walruses. "Mahm, dad, can I have some money to go to the mall?"
Sister: "Erk! Erk! Erk!"
“Seriously! Do I have a “push me into things” sign on my back?!”
– A woman at Magic Kingdom, yelling at her husband.
Lana's Mum: So, how are you and that teapot I gave you for Christmas making out?
Me: It’s wonderful. I think I am going to marry it.
Lana's Dad, from the next room: Thank god, she finally has a chance to get married.
“That girl from Alabama had an Alabama accent. I was very proud of her.”
– My sister, commenting on people we saw on the bus.
Bus in America.
Guy 1: I could write rap if I wanted.
Guy 2: Yeah! This here's the party bus!
Guy 3: Party bus? 25% of you have no lyrical ability, and there is a sleeping child right there!
December 2011
14 posts
“Lana, your hair always looks as if you’ve just had sex.”
– Jacob, as Lana was blowdrying her hair.
Warner Bros. Car Museum.
Dad: Take a picture of me next to this car.
Me: What's it from?
Dad: It's a Cadillac.
Me: Yeah, but what movie is it from?
Dad: I don't know, but it's a Cadillac.
Me: Is that all you're eating?
Sister: Mmm.
Me: Are you anorexic again?
Sister: That was never funny.
Me: That's why I said 'again'.
Sister: What if I was actually anorexic, and you were making fun of me?
Me: I feel like, with our relationship, I would be able to get away with it.
Sister: You are a terrible person.
After I shaved my head.
Aunt, to my dad: He looks like you!
Dad: I know.
Aunt: No, that's a bad thing. He used to look like his mother.
Aunt: Do they have The Gap in Australia?
Me: Nahp.
Aunt: Then what the hell DO you have?!
A ridiculously tiny gold sequin jacket.
Mum: Hey, I'm going to wear this jacket.
Me: Ok...
Mum: To your wedding.
Me: Mmm...
Mum: To embarrass you.
Me: Oh.
Sister: Are all these clothes for you?
Me: Not all of them. We bought a 6XL shirt purely for the purposes of comedy.
Sister: See, that's the difference between us.
Me: Everyone sounds so American here.
Sister: Wow! That's so weird!
Me: It's, like, a country full of American people.
Sister: Oh my god! What would you even call that?