January 2011
37 posts
After he tried to carry me.
Nick E: I was so close then.
Me: Yeah, you were.
Nick E: No, to shitting myself.
“Ben’s Restaurant”? Must’ve had a fight with Jerry.”
– Me. (Quoted by Nick E)
“I’m gonna name that one Nemo, and that one Nemo, and that one Nemo,...”
– Jess, at the underwater observatory at Sea World.
“Don’t swim away from me! I thought what we had was special! Moving on to...”
– Mel, talking to a fish.
“Today’s checklist: “Fight Childhood Trauma”? Done.”
– Kyle, getting off the Sea Viper ride at Seaworld.
On the phone.
Ashleigh: Yeah, I really think- I DON'T WANT TO WATCH TITANIC YOU SLUT!
Me: What?
Ashleigh: That was just Louise. Anyway...
Leaving the apartment.
Kyle: Got keys?
Me: Got milk?
Jess, grabbing her boob: Not yet.
Me: ...
Jess: Don't ever ask a woman that.
Nick E: Did you see my new DS?
Mel, doing her nails: Yeah. I broke it.
“I don’t want to go to America. I’d rather go to Hawaii.”
– Louise. (Quoted by Ashleigh)
Lunch.
Nick E: This stuff's hot.
Mel: You're hot. Oh, no, never mind.
“Isn’t it funny, when you’re a kid, it’s ‘What would you...”
– Nick E, as kids on the bus were asking each other if they’d rather be a snake or an anaconda.
Mel: I just had to explain to Pedro what a sausage fest is.
Jess: Oh. That's where everyone eats a lot of sausages, right?
“But… but…huge explosions are featured!”
– A man, as his daughters were dragging him away from the stunt show at Movie World.
“Did you see that girl with her Australia Day bikini and her tiny little denim...”
– Mel, screaming in public about a girl she saw at the bus stop.
Quoted by Nick.
Me: I don't want to spend any more money today.
Nick: Mm.
Me: Actually, you owe me 20 bucks, you can buy me stuff.
Nick: Alright.
Me: Nah, I'm kidding.
Nick: Oh.
Me: Give me 20 bucks.
On the phone.
Me: Don't delete Buffy and Angel from the Foxtel. That's the most important thing I have to say to you.
Sister: Oh, thanks.
Me: Um, welcome back?
Sister: You're ugly. That's all I have to say.
“Ok, that’s two fingers. How many fingers am I- crap.”
– Jess, when my glasses were off.
Jess: Everyone think of the manliest movie they've ever seen.
Me: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban!
Jess: Ok, everyone except Pedro.
Me: I'm hungry, I want a shower.
Nick: ...
Me: That made sense in my head.
Nick: Mm, I'm sure it did.
Ashleigh, to me: You're the bitchiest person I know!
Me: You just don't know many people.
Ashleigh: That's not funny.
Me: What? But funny's all I have!
Ashleigh: You have a beard.
Doctor Who DVD
Me: Audio navigation!
Ashleigh: Shut up, Louise!
“Hey, it’s you and the shorts! I didn’t know they were coming.”
– Ashleigh, when Louise walked into her house.
“Your mum was in my dream last night.”
– Mel, to Jess, after her mother left the room.
“How do you say “My foot smells like cheese”? I might need to know...”
– Louise, while Ashleigh was teaching her sign language.
Submitted by Victoria.
Victoria: Pedro, keep it down.
Me: It is down. In my pants.
Victoria: My joke was better.
Me: Your face was better. In my pants.
Me: I'm the most immature person in the world, and I'm telling you to grow up. What does that say about your life?
Victoria: It says that my life is more fun than yours. You're just jealous.
Me: I want to get into stand-up.
Tori: No, you sit down too much to be successful.
“Hey! I killed a mosquito AND punched myself in the crotch at the same time!”
– Me. (Quoted by Emil)
“Actually, how HAVE I seen chickens have sex?”
– Louise, when discussing chickens.
Trying to flirt.
Me: So...what're you wearing?
Ashleigh: Can we please not do this again?
Candles.
Nick: They get rid of mosquitoes.
Louise: Oh. I thought it was dip.
Cheng: I got addicted.
Me: To crack?
Cheng: No, to juice. And why is it worse, you think? Because it's legal, so I can blow all my money on it.
“She’s not Italian, she’s a pale douchebag.”
– Ashleigh, when discussing Louise’s heritage.
“I found the alcohol stash, but I can’t find any plates.”
– Louise, rummaging through my cupboards.
Sleepover. (Quoted by Ashleigh)
Louise: So, I was watching this African porno the other day...
*She talks for a while*
Ashleigh: You realise nobody's listening, right?
Louise: ...and then they take the baby to Germany!
“It doesn’t sound frozen.”
– Susannah, shaking a can of Coke Zero.
Me: Is today Thursday or Friday?
Dad: It's Wednesday.
Me: Oh.
Grandpa: Why don't you know that?
Dad: He's in hibernation.
December 2010
19 posts
January 1st.
Me: Hey, I haven't left the house all year.
Nick: I haven't left your house all year!
Louise: I've been to your house too many times this year.